Change...
Life is going through so many changes at a time that my brain is declining to function the way it should. Take this as an example. I've been swamped with Office work as well as continuing my just started web novel while also maintaining my social & personal life. Last Thursday, a 4-day long weekend holiday was announced to let us have some time to ourselves. Since I work in Social Media & practically can't take the full day off, we were given an option just to keep an eye out for urgent posts. After 2 months+ lockdowns, almost 12x7 working hours, months & months of restless sleep, these 4 day long weekend holidays are a pretty good deal, don't you think?
But for me, nothing. I literally feel nothing. At first, I was excited by the thought of finally having the time to myself, working on things I love, maybe publishing the next chapter of the web novel. But 2 days down the line, all I've done is lay on the bed, watch reels & Facebook videos and some failed attempts to complete watching a web series.
A few days back, my boss asked me what I really want to become. At some point in my life, I have to make a choice. And that totally made sense. But I was totally lost in words. I know I'm a writer. I know I'm technically sound in Social Media. I know social media might have 'The future' for me which I have zero interest in. I know I want to tell stories all my life. Yet I replied, "Social Media." How? Why?
For the last few years, my life has seen drastic changes in my personality. 4 or 5 years back if you knew me, you'd know the difference. The guy who was too inclusive to his own personality & space is now going out making friends, talking about his opinion publicly & whatnot. But hey, this is a good thing, right? Then why did the new me lose all the focus I had back in the days? How come when I've some time, all I can think about is to let myself enjoy or sleep? Where did all that determination go?
It's been a month since I announced my web novel and published part of the first chapter. A month and still no progress. It's not like I've not had any time to write the rest. Believe me, the plot, the characters, the scenes, the climax, everything has formed perfectly inside this brain. But I'm constantly failing to write all that down and show it to the world. You can't believe after completing the story how badly I want to shout out to the world, "See. After all the problems & situations you've put me in, this is who I have become."
The constant battle to balance life, choices, people, relationships in terms of financially, physically & emotionally is really tiring. I know most of you must be facing the same challenge. Maybe I don't know your problems or the situation you're in but yeah I can relate to you.
And yes, life is all about change. Be it with Pandemic or no-pandemic, we surely have to go through many ups & downs. A few days back, I listened to an 80's Bollywood radio, and one of my all-time favourites started playing. The lyrics said,
"मुस्कुराऊं कभी तो लगता है
जैसे होंठो पे क़र्ज़ रखा है"
Meaning; Even when I smile sometimes, it feels like debt on the lips.
Honestly, I couldn't empathise with the lyrics more. How thoughtful it is! We're & will always be indebted to ourselves for all the good times we have witnessed in our lifetime. It is our duty to keep ourselves on our priority list since no one else will come to the rescue. Even if we have someone who has our back doesn't necessarily mean that they will feel the pain we've been through or are going through right now.
Like I've already said,
"Don’t you dare to think less of yourself, my friend,
I always see ‘The Spark’ in you.
Let’s bunk the fake world of hate, my friend,
And go to the happy place, me and you."
The change is volatile & scary. But at the same moment, it is as thrilling as it can be. No, you don't have to match the speed of someone else to be successful in life. You can just be yourself and have the peace that the world is dying for. Don't let anyone change the fact that you are your leader. You are your guide. I'm working on myself, exploring each day a new aspect of me. I hope you do the same. Let's get to know ourselves better this time & let the world adjust itself.
Love,
The Dekoder
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